Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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