I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
