Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
