My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
