bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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