For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
