is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
