Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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