There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
