i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
