he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
