I just threw up on my dentist
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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