I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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