3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
