Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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