did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
