I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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