can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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