I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
"it" just moved
home. puking in laundry basket.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
