I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
