I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
