if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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