he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
