Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
