I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
