FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
