The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
