why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
