i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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