Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
