I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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