Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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