The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize