anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
