I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
