Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
