Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
