I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
