she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dear god my vagina.
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