Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
