oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
