i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
