If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
