I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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