party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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