Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
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So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
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Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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