I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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