bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
