i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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