I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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