I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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