you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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