I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
