Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
