and she was petting her beer can
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
