So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
