i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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