1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
two words...techno handjob
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm both gender and math confused
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
