Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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