I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
